How to disagree politely
Alex Case
Ten ways to make disagreeing phrases softer and more polite, split into two more general polite disagreement tactics.
Although English speakers obviously sometimes disagree strongly and even argue, it is much more common and almost always more effective to disagree politely and indirectly. This article explains ten ways to make disagreement softer and more polite.
Leading up to disagreement
The most common and politest way to disagree in English is to say something nice and then disagree, most often with “but”, as in:
- That’s a good point, but…
- I (can) see what you mean, but…
- I (can) see where you are coming from, but…
- I agree up to a point, but…
- I heard that too/ read that too/ studied that too/ was told that too, but…
- I understand what you are saying, but…
- I partially agree/ partly agree, but…
- You could (well) be right, but…
- You could say that, but…
- That (kind of) makes sense, but…
- That might well be the case, but…
- There’s (a lot of/ some/ a little nugget of) truth in that, but…
- Many people would agree with you, but…
- Most people would agree with that, but…
- I’d go along with that (up to a point), but…
- I (initially) thought that too, but…
- I can see how you might think that, but…
- I used to think that too, but…
- It’s (very) difficult to argue with that, but…
- That does (seem to) match the evidence, but…
- That sounds plausible, but…
- That’s a common point of view, but…
- That’s a very common belief, but…
- That’s true when you look at…, but…
- It’s difficult to see a hole in that argument, but
“But” can be replaced by other words like “However” and “Nevertheless”, but these sound slightly stronger and therefore more negative in these kinds of phrases. “While…” can also be used at the start of such sentences. Phrases meaning “until” can also have a similar effect, as in:
- I was with you until you said…
- That made (perfect) sense up to the point you said…
Some of those phrases are so common in disagreeing phrases that the listener will assume that disagreement is coming and so those phrases have become rare in agreeing phrases. For example, although it depends somewhat on your intonation “That’s a good point” is very often followed by “but”, so there may be surprised silence if the sentence stops at “point”!
One tactic above that can be used on its own for soft/ polite disagreement is showing that it is just a different point of view, not something actually wrong, as in:
- Looking at it from another point of view, you could also say that…
- If we (also) think about…, then…
- That doesn’t tally with the information I have.
- Your experience must be very different from mine.
Another useful tactic is starting with humble phrases showing that you and your opinions are nothing special like:
- I’m no expert (on this), but…
- You know more about this than me, but…
- I don’t know as much about this as you, but…
- I have (very) limited experience of this, but…
- My initial reply to that would be…
There are some phrases of regret that agreement is impossible like:
- I wish that was the case, but…
- I’d like to agree (with you), but…
- That sounds good in theory, but…
Similarly, conditional phrases are softer because they make the chance of agreeing seem possible/ real, as in:
- I might/ would have thought that way too if…
- You might have convinced me if…
Starting disagreeing phrases with “Honestly” and “Frankly” doesn’t exactly soften them, but such expressions do warn the listener that a strong opinion is coming and so somewhat soften the impact.
Making disagreeing phrases softer/ more polite
After or instead of the leading into disagreement phrases above, actual disagreeing phrases can be made softer with hedging language like “not quite” and “not really”, in phrases like:
- I don’t really agree.
- That doesn’t really make sense (to me).
- I wouldn’t quite put it that way myself.
- That’s not exactly what I would say.
This kind of hedging/ softening language is also found in similar phrases that don’t have obvious shorter and more direct forms, like:
- We don’t seem to be in complete agreement here.
- I think you might be forgetting…
Turning disagreement into questions can also soften them, as in:
- (But) don’t you think that…?
- (But) what about…?
- (But) don’t you feel that…?
- Have you also thought about…?
- (But) wouldn’t you say that…?
- (But) aren’t you forgetting…?
- Aren’t you assuming that…?
- Doesn’t that opinion mean that…?
- Have you taken… into consideration?
Comparing different arguments can also make the lesser one seem less negative, as in:
- I’m more convinced by…
- I’d be more inclined to say…