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Hi everyone.

Can you review the following paragraph as a firs paragraph of IELTS academic essay about music in task 2 about if music should be shared or only shared with authorisation.

My attempt with the first paragraph.

“Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries. Nowadays, music not only has developed a vast range of instruments and vocal techniques, but also it has developed the way that is shared with authorisation which personally I agree.”

Thank you for in advance.

The "it" after "but also" can be dropped.
The opening is great, I like to see what is next.

dude thats fantastic. grammar is perfect (to me haha)

art and cultural activity

You have a mix of noun and adjective to describe "activity". Might be better as:
art and culture activity
artistic and cultural activity

"Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries."
I think it is better to shorten your topic sentence with extracting the 'that has been around for centuries' part.

ibrahimwrt wrote: ↑Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:56 am "Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings that has been around for centuries."
I think it is better to shorten your topic sentence with extracting the 'that has been around for centuries' part.

I agree. Or at least you could say:

Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways to express emotions to human beings for centuries.

Or better still:

Music is an art and cultural activity that has been one of the most important ways of expressing human emotions for centuries.

Safari's warning is also important. 'Artistic and cultural activity'